Squirbit Follow-up

A few months ago we ran an expose on the squirrels of Coal Park. There was much discussion generated at the time, but not all of it made it to our blog. Upon reading 'Beijing Needs a Giant Monster Attack' written by our new pal Will, we realized that we had a duty to bring the rest of our Squirbit knowledge to the public.

The following document is an excerpt from an expose that, much to our chagrin, has not been accepted for publication by any of the global news media. After reading this fine draft, I am sure you will agree with our suspicions of a great plot to quash the truth.

We have yet to encounter bunzilla oursleves, but today we are going on a scouting mission to ensure the safety of greater Beijing. We have already loaded our Bunnzerator™ 9005-7ZLOX2 and we are packing our cottentail generator for additional security. Michael is looking a little scared but Cara is confident that we will bring this monster down

This message has only been cleared under DDDY (double dog dare ya security protocols) which, under newly-expanded homeland security regulations, now includes everyone except that creepy guy we saw on the south end of Rendingmen Park. (You know who you are.)

Michael's stint as a bureaucratic flunkie is mearly a ruse to plactate the locals. As a former tank gunner, his true mission is to eliminate gargantuan rodents across the northern plains of China, with special attention to population centers (hence, our current stint in Beijing).
If it was known that Michael was not merely a desk jockey, the locals would ask, 'Why do we have to import a foreign tanker? Aren't ours good enough?'
The sad, sad truth for China is that Chinese tankers are not (yet) up to snuff for a mission of this scale, with millions of people and several thousand construction cranes at risk.

The average Chinese citizen lacks the cold-hearted focus needed to deal with those cute brown eyes, bushy tails, and big bushy ears. Michael doesn't spare a tear for the "I'm so cute, feed me a peanut" look, nor does he fall for the "it's a bunny, it's a squirrel" tail and ear disguises. He's all business when it comes to epic bunny eradication, and maintains his "expert" rating in all Bunzerator-class weapons to that end.

You might be wondering why this is a 3 year assignment. After all, how long can it take to track, hunt down, and neuter a 14-story bunny? (Please note that China is all about population control, with a one-bunny policy in wide effect for any species over ten meters in height, and so sterilization trumps termination in such cases.) Unfortunately, we are not at liberty to discuss the scale of the Rodentia Giganticus outbreak that might or might not be present here in Asia. Don't believe the propaganda from CNN. China is keeping a tight lid on this situation, lest it cause panic among carrot-farmers around the world and drive prices through the roof. The United Nations applauds China's discretion in this regard and has dispatched the experts it keeps in reserve for just these occasions. This relatively unknown unit of special forces, the Rabbit Rangers, cut their teeth by taking on overgrown prairie dogs in the wilds of Wyoming. (Have you ever wondered why the population density of Wyoming is the lowest in the United States? Wonder no longer, my friend. But at least those dang giant prairie dogs will never see the light of Montana, by God.) Once the Rabbit Rangers have earned their lucky rabbit-foot keychains, weighing no less than 7 lbs, they are certified ready to fly to any corner of the world in search of pests with an appetite for skyscrapers. Consider yourself briefed. Do not expect further updates on this situation. Michael assures me that all is under control here, and the less people know, the happier everyone will be.